I've been pretty nervous about sharing this part of my life online but today, I think I'm ready. After entering grade 11, I've come to realise that I am so painfully insecure without my pills and the best option would be to flush them away and say goodbye to them forever. At first I didn't think I'd need to resort to this but recently, my mind has started to wander back to it. Grade 11's been a drag, honestly. I'm lonely in my classes, my first semester courses are hard and so far it's been nothing but dull. Staying away from something that made you feel good for so many years when things are good is easy but it's a total dichotomy when things go to shit. That being said, I still don't have the guts to throw them out yet. While I may not cut contact with my supplier until I'm done school but I promise myself, and you guys, that I'm definitely going to get rid of them in the near future.
The biggest problem with drugs like Adderall and Vyvanse is that they make you into someone you're not. The person I was from grades 3-9 wasn't very human at all, to this day, I have no idea how the amphetamines have rewired my brain or how destructive they've been to my social life. All I can say is that I'm ready to leave them behind. I've done my fair share of research and with how I've been "quitting", I've actually made it harder for myself to stay away from it and the bouts of sadness I've been experiencing lately are a part of this process. By taking it whenever I "needed" to, I was really just giving myself an excuse to get high. No more. I'm done. I'm ready to build self-esteem and healthy working habits on my own.
I'll leave you with a quote from a website dedicated to quitting adderall that I've been following for years. If any of you are ever facing this painful endeavour, just let me know and I'll be more than happy to share it.
“These drugs like Adderall and Vyvanse are so different from other typical drugs…it’s such a different kind of mentality that uses them. People use most narcotics to escape life. People use Adderall because they want to embrace life and they don’t feel like they can adequately do that on their own. Typical drug use represents self-destruction; Adderall drug use represents an insecurity. Some ways the same; some ways totally different.”
Thank you for sticking by me through this journey, guys! <3 I promise to give you updates soon!