blueflameangel

There have been a lot of changes to my life this year, some of them positive, some of them negative but above all, it's been an on-going process of coping with what I've been given. This journal isn't to brood about my crazy first semester or my anxiety about the future though, I came out to my brother last month and now I'm coming out to you guys as bisexual. 

I think I've known since I was in grade 7, it just took a few years for me to make peace with and eventually accept. My parents are still out of the question in terms of them knowing but by getting involved with the GSA at my school, I feel like I'm making a difference. I've also joined a LGBT support group just in case things go to shit.;; I'm happy to say that I'm starting to accept myself as I am and I'm going to implement a few new things in my life so I can continue building self-confidence. In terms of activity on here, I'm still around! I'm busy but I will be posting some original writing and photography once I can find the time. 

I love you all and I can't thank you enough for being around! :'D 

  

I've been pretty nervous about sharing this part of my life online but today, I think I'm ready. After entering grade 11, I've come to realise that I am so painfully insecure without my pills and the best option would be to flush them away and say goodbye to them forever. At first I didn't think I'd need to resort to this but recently, my mind has started to wander back to it. Grade 11's been a drag, honestly. I'm lonely in my classes, my first semester courses are hard and so far it's been nothing but dull. Staying away from something that made you feel good for so many years when things are good is easy but it's a total dichotomy when things go to shit. That being said, I still don't have the guts to throw them out yet. While I may not cut contact with my supplier until I'm done school but I promise myself, and you guys, that I'm definitely going to get rid of them in the near future. 

The biggest problem with drugs like Adderall and Vyvanse is that they make you into someone you're not. The person I was from grades 3-9 wasn't very human at all, to this day, I have no idea how the amphetamines have rewired my brain or how destructive they've been to my social life. All I can say is that I'm ready to leave them behind. I've done my fair share of research and with how I've been "quitting", I've actually made it harder for myself to stay away from it and the bouts of sadness I've been experiencing lately are a part of this process. By taking it whenever I "needed" to, I was really just giving myself an excuse to get high. No more. I'm done. I'm ready to build self-esteem and healthy working habits on my own. 

I'll leave you with a quote from a website dedicated to quitting adderall that I've been following for years. If any of you are ever facing this painful endeavour, just let me know and I'll be more than happy to share it. 

“These drugs like Adderall and Vyvanse are so different from other typical drugs…it’s such a different kind of mentality that uses them. People use most narcotics to escape life. People use Adderall because they want to embrace life and they don’t feel like they can adequately do that on their own. Typical drug use represents self-destruction; Adderall drug use represents an insecurity. Some ways the same; some ways totally different.”

Thank you for sticking by me through this journey, guys! <3 I promise to give you updates soon! 

Basically, I stayed up late once or twice and now I'm chained to an awful sleeping schedule...My creativity has been peaking these past few days though. Expect an original story soon. 

It's sad to say that although I'm clean now, I'm pretty much back to square one with how I feel about myself. It's been a tough journey and while I'm supposed to feel that quitting has been so rewarding, I'm a few pounds heavier now and everything require 100x more effort. On the bright side, I no longer crave my adderall. I only use it once in a blue moon when I have to cram because I've been irresponsible.;; All of this aside, I wrote my semester 1 exams without it and I'm planning to do so for the next set of exams too. I just hope that I'll find some redeeming qualities from within because right now, I feel like I've just made my life a thousand times harder without any real result. -rolls- 

So on saturday night, the power in our house went out due to the crazy ice storm that plaguing Toronto. Everything from the ground to the trees is encased in ice and so are the powerlines omfg. We were out of power for 2 and a half days and over 215,000 canadians were affected. We had to find places to shower and sleep for the night because there was no hot water or heat at our place. :c Anyway, I'm fine now but jkfdhgjkdfhgjkfdgjfk It looks something like this outside: